The Tell-Tale Heart: It has been alleged that I am insane, but I assure you, no madman could possibly have premeditated a murder as thoroughly as I did. Let me write down all the details for you.
The Cask of Amontillado: You remember that asshole Fortunato who was always rubbing my nose in how much richer and more successful than me he was? Yeah, this one time I murdered him as a prank.
Masque of the Red Death: Once a prince and a thousand of his noble courtiers sought seclusion from a plague ravaging the countryside and so retreated into an abbey with seven totally isolated apartments, six of which were bright and colorful and the seventh was, like, super cursed. A reanimated corpse showed up a to a masquerade ball six months in and the prince was like “a good stabbing will sort you out” and chased the Red Death into the cursed room and then everyone died of plague. Honestly, the weird thing is that it took this long for disease to catch up to a thousand people living in an abbey with seven apartments.
Murders in the Rue Morgue: My good friend proto-Holmes has discovered from interviewing those who overheard the deed that the perpetrator of the gruesome murders at the Rue Morgue spoke a language that none of them recognized. From this it follows that the culprit is obviously an orangutan.
The Pit and the Pendulum: Nobody expected the first torture porn to have been published in 1843.
The Raven: I found a parrot having a goth phase who only knows the word “nevermore” so I keep asking it if good things will happen to me and getting angry when it says no.
The Black Cat: I love animals so much. You wouldn’t believe how much I love them. I did tear a black cat’s eye out that one time but in my defense it did bite me. And yeah, I did then hang it, like, with a noose, but it kept looking at me with its one remaining eye and being scared of me and I don’t need that kind of judgemental energy in my life. But I love animals so much that I adopted a new suspiciously similar looking cat to make up for it. And sure, it reminded me of the cat I murdered so much that I tried to axe murder the cat and when my wife tried to stop me I axe murdered her, but see above regarding judgemental energy. I am focusing on self-care right now and I cannot let these toxic cats I keep adopting get in the way of that.
The Fall of the House of Usher: My good friend Roderick Usher’s sister died so I helped him entomb her and then read him a bedtime story. The house obligingly provided sound effects matching what was going on in the story, something which neither of us decided was worth investigation. Turns out we accidentally buried his sister alive and she was screaming and banging on the walls of the tomb. Long story short they’re both dead now.
Chamomile Has A Blog 