Baldur’s Gate: The Second Best RPG Of All Time (For A While)

I’ve been replaying the first Baldur’s Gate lately. I haven’t played it since high school-ish and I wanted to do a thorough playthrough, so it’s in the backlog. I know in past conversations (not on the blog, I don’t think) I’ve called it the best RPG of all time as of its release, but that it hasn’t aged perfectly, and while I stand by that general sentiment, I double-checked the release dates and Fallout 1 came out first. Fallout 1 is such a perfectly tightly paced and plotted game that I can list off its small handful of flaws in a single blogpost, and that blogpost is exhaustive. Absolutely nothing else needs to change.

Baldur’s Gate 1 isn’t that good. If I were listing off every single one of its flaws, it would be a multi-part series and a lot of them would be very similar to each other, different manifestations of the same basic problem. Some of Fallout 1’s flaws were like that, with the broken iguana-on-a-stick quest and the broken Boneyard quests both falling under the same general header of “broken quests,” and while the bulk of that post was dedicated to broken timers, I covered every single timer in it.

The Baldur’s Gate equivalent would be combing over every one of the static wilderness encounters to figure out which of them can be cut in order to combine different wilderness maps together, and that’s a problem that comes up often enough that it’s better to talk about the general issue: Baldur’s Gate is mostly wilderness maps, and there are three kinds of encounters on those wilderness maps. The first are static unique encounters that have some kind of side quest or dialogue associated with them, the second are static generic encounters that just throw a bunch of gnolls at you, and the third are random encounters that sometimes spawn when you try to rest. The first are great, the second help pace them out a little so that the maps neither feel empty nor throw an exhaustingly unbroken series of dialogue-heavy unique encounters at you, and we’ll get into the third thing later, because right now I want to address the balance of the first two: There are about two or three times as many static generic encounters as there should be in many of the maps.

The maps would certainly feel very empty without those encounters, but also most of the wilderness maps are nothing but depositories of encounters. I like that there’s a large number of wilderness maps you can just wander around, bumping into little vignettes and side quests, but they clearly needed to cut several of them. Given the size of the maps, I think 3 is probably the minimum number of unique encounters each map needs, and I would feel better about 5. Many maps have just 1 or 2, and rarely reach 5. There are about two dozen wilderness maps in the game, and eighteen still would’ve been plenty enough that when the main plot sends you to track down some bandits, you wouldn’t feel like you’re being pointed directly at your goal because you know the bandits are in the wilderness and there’s only one wilderness map not already in use connecting towns together (only five maps are required to link Candlekeep, Baldur’s Gate, the Friendly Arms Inn, Beregost, and Nashkel). Cutting a few maps and moving the unique encounters of the remainder in with each other would really help the chapter where you scour the wilderness for bandits feel like less of a slog.

Similarly, and this is a bad habit that BioWare would take a long time to shake, increasing the length of your dungeons to match their importance in the plot is actually a bad idea. The Nashkel Mines are the first major plot point, where you find out that someone is intentionally sabotaging the iron supply of Baldur’s Gate and its sphere of influence, and it isn’t Amn as people suspect. Investigating the iron shortage is the immediate goal of Jaheira and Khalid, the adventurers who take you under their wing after your mentor tragically-yet-inevitably dies, and it puts you on the trail of the guy who killed him through a somewhat contrived coincidence (but only somewhat – the main villain is putting several plans into motion at once, one of them involves killing you (your mentor sacrificed himself to stop him), this iron thing is another one, it feels weird to suddenly jump track from “who is trying to kill me and why?” to investigating a seemingly unrelated crisis, but at least after you know what’s up it does make sense). It’s the first hint we get of a fairly convoluted scheme, and it’s the first step of the main plot, so I get the impulse to make the dungeon where that plot beat is delivered bigger than the wilderness locations that facilitate side quests.

The problem is that the actual dungeon’s concept is just a mineshaft full of kobolds. It’s not super clear how the kobolds are causing the quality of the ore to plunge, but whatever, it’s magic. The more important issue is that the Nashkel Mines are three floors of dungeon with one floor’s worth of content, bulked out purely to help signal that it’s more important than the ruined magic school at Ulcaster, a side quest dungeon. But while that does make it clear the Nashkel Mines are more important, it also makes them less fun to play.

This is especially the case because there’s very little increase even in raw difficulty when lengthening the dungeon, since there’s no penalty to backing out and resting in nearby Nashkel. This is a problem inherited from the game’s 2e D&D ruleset (a problem which persists through 5e), but BioWare was under no obligation to leave the 2e rules as unmodified as they were, so that’s no excuse. Like in D&D, some effort is made to make resting costly – early on in the game, your allies get angry at you if you take too long to reach Nashkel or complete a side quest, and if you rest in unsafe areas, you may be jumped by monsters. But these quest timers are rare, so for 90% of the game, including when you’re at Nashkel (assuming you aren’t on the timer for the side quest to rescue a wizard from some gnolls), you can rest at almost any time and your only potential penalty is that monsters might attack you – and even that isn’t really a problem, because Nashkel is so close and it’s perfectly safe to rest at an inn. Another of the proposed solutions to making rests actually cost something in D&D is to have dungeons restock encounters when you rest, but Baldur’s Gate doesn’t do this (and would almost certainly have had to tone down the length anyway if they did – unless you know exactly which wilderness areas to hit for levels before doing the Mines, you really need the rest).

Fallout 1 had this more figured out – while the timer for the last leg of the main plot didn’t actually work right (that’s one of its few flaws), the basic concept was fine, only the exact math needed to be altered. Baldur’s Gate toys with the idea, but abandons it by the time you reach chapter 3, which is exactly when it is most needed. Without any kind of timer hanging over your head, the days all blur together and plot points patiently wait for you to arrive, unchanging, so although the whole game feels like a crisis lasting about six weeks, canonically it’s more like 3-6 months, depending on how thorough you are. That would be fine if there were a timer hanging above the whole thing counting down to doom, with the situation getting progressively worse – the only reason why it seems like it can’t be much more than six weeks is because the iron situation and the escalating tension with Amn and the Zhentarim never actually escalates. The villain’s plan never actually advances, so it can’t have been that long, right?

A doom countdown like Fallout 1 nearly had would’ve greatly improved this – the iron shortage growing so catastrophic that prices on iron weapons and armor starts going up, and then they disappear altogether, leaving only magic weapons behind, murders of other Bhaalspawn grow more frequent and more daring in Beregost, Nashkel, and the Friendly Arm Inn, culminating in a massacre of over a dozen in one night in Baldur’s Gate, tensions with Amn grow more intense and Amn soldiers start patrolling the wilderness near Nashkel and become confrontational and then hostile. It’s very unlikely anyone will take more than 360 days to finish the game or more than 90 days to finish up chapter 2 (after which the hostility of Amn soldiers makes entering Nashkel more difficult, which is going to be a big problem for completing the Nashkel Mines), so this rough timeline should work:

Day 25: The next time the player enters Nashkel, they are approached by an Amn soldier who interrogates them about a murder in town. The soldier is suspicious the player may be involved because they’re a transient, but gives up the suspicion easily.

Day 45: Prices on weapons and armor rise significantly. The next time the player enters any of a couple different shops selling weapons, someone complains about the extortionate price on iron goods and the shopkeep tries to explain that iron is getting scarce thanks to the bandits.

Day 60: The next time the player enters Beregost, there’s a dead body lying in the street and some guards standing around. If the player approaches and asks what happened, the guards discuss the case with them and it’s suspiciously similar to the one in Nashkel.

Day 90: The next time the players are in Beregost, there’s a large Flaming Fist contingent there marching south to confront the Amnians. Flaming Fist vs. Amn standoff encounters start to spawn in the wilderness zone north of Amn.

Day 120: The next time the player is in Nashkel, they are confronted by Amn soldiers. If the dialogue goes poorly, they might be forbidden from the city for presumed loyalty to the increasingly hostile Baldur’s Gate.

Day 150: The next time the player is in the Friendly Arm Inn, a murder of another Bhaalspawn takes place right in front of them, in the courtyard of the inn.

Day 180: Non-magical iron weapons completely disappear from shop inventories. The next time a player enters a shop that sells weapons/armor, a soldier there complains that they’re skirmishing with Amn (or Baldur’s Gate, if it’s the Nahskel shop) and if they can’t get some decent weapons, it’s going to be a slaughter. The shopkeep points out that the iron shortage is hitting both sides, and the soldier complains they’ll end up killing each other with sticks and stones. As the conversation implies, standoff vignettes on the road to Amn become skirmish vignettes. Amn soldiers become hostile to the player no matter what conversation options they take.

Day 240: The Bhaalspawn massacre, an enormous number of dead Bhaalspawn appearing throughout the streets of the city. A prophetic dream (of the sort the player has been getting regularly during chapter breaks) heavily implies that only two Bhaalspawn remain: You and Sarevak.

Day 270: Baldur’s Gate and Amn explode into war. The road between Beregost and Amn is packed with fighting soldiers. Skirmishers move out into wilderness maps all across the southern section of the map.

Day 300: Amn forces break through and besiege Beregost. Any attempt to fast travel to the city triggers an encounter with besieging forces instead. Amn soldiers have the entire road from Nashkel to Beregost occupied and appear sporadically in the wilderness all throughout the wilderness, except for very remote areas like the bandit camp and the Cloakwood. A pinning force of Amn soldiers appears outside Candlekeep.

Day 360: Baldur’s Gate is stormed by soldiers of Amn after the gates are opened from within by agents of Sarevok. The Bhaal cultists begin a mass slaughter of the city’s inhabitants, supernaturally inciting the invading Amn forces to join in. A frenzied orgy of violence sees Sarevok soak in immense amounts of power and become a demi-god. The next time the player enters Baldur’s Gate (including necessary triggers for chapters 5 and 7), they are instead confronted by an invincible Sarevok amidst the bloodsoaked remains of the city, locked into an unwinnable battle.

Also, put the name of the wilderness areas on the world map so I don’t have to consult a guide to figure out which one is Red Wizard Forest and which one is Mutamin’s Garden.

RWBY Should’ve Ripped Off Zelda More

A lot of things are made by copying other things and then developing into something more original only over time. Sometimes the process of originalizing happens in editing over the course of multiple drafts, but sometimes it happens over the course of multiple installments in a series and we can see it happening in real time. For example, the xenomorphs from Alien inspired the genestealers in Warhammer 40k, which were eventually folded into the Tyranids faction, a humanoid-ish biomonster faction, and then StarCraft’s Zerg were based on the Tyranids but were much more alien-looking and the 3e Tyranids hewed closer to that look in response, and then when they made an Alien versus Predator RTS they based the xenomorph faction’s gameplay off of being a swarm-y bug faction like the Zerg, while the Predators had more of a small elite strike team feel similar to Protoss and the marines were in the middle and relatively very mobile like the Terrans. So the AvP xenomorphs ripped off the Zerg ripped off the Tyranids ripped off the xenomorphs, completing the circle of plagiarism.

RWBY definitely stole from a lot of shows. They took a lot of their scenes inexplicably from the Legend of Korra, the basic “go to X different themed regions of the world” plot was taken from Avatar, hampered slightly by none of the places being super interesting, dust was basically materia from Final Fantasy VII, grimm were basically Heartless from Kingdom Hearts. You can tell what parts of the show the creator really cared about and had experience creating because it’s much harder to find any obvious precedents for the character or weapon designs.

This could’ve been fine, except…well, except that Monty Oum died due to a freak accident in what should’ve been a routine surgery. But while the show was Monty Oum’s passion project and that passion was much more felt in the seasons he worked on, it had serious plot and pacing problems back then – Monty’s talents contributed greatly to the show, but his much-vaunted “vision” contributed nothing.

And RWBY would’ve been better if they had recognized what game they were actually ripping off with their central plot and ripped it off harder. Part of the problem here is that a lot of the centerpieces of their central plot were apparently late additions, like, the starting in season 3 the whole show is almost entirely about the four maidens, and apparently season 3 is when they first thought up the four maidens. But it does seem like the cycle of reincarnation and the eternal struggle between Oz and Salem was intended from the beginning, even if a third magic system on top of the two the show already had got chucked in two years in.

What RWBY’s main plot seems most informed by is the Zelda series: Immortal figures locked in a battle across the ages, fighting for control of super-artifacts, with the good guys having the artifacts while the bad guys seek the artifacts for world domination (or world demolition, in RWBY’s case). It’s Salem, Oz, and the maidens fighting over a grab-bag of four random artifacts instead of Ganon, Zelda, and Link fighting over the the Triforce, but it’s the same idea. Hell, the four elementally themed MacGuffins of Minish Cap are even similarly themed to the four seasons that the RWBY artifacts are sort of loosely themed after.

And once you recognize that RWBY is failing to rip off Zelda, improvements to the show suggest themselves immediately by ripping it off more and harder. The way a Zelda game works is that you need to go into some number of dungeons to retrieve the magic MacGuffins. Each dungeon is located in a different part of the map and is associated with a different terrain type and usually has some connection to one of the peoples of Hyrule. The magic MacGuffin is guarded by a big boss monster of some kind, not necessarily one directly related to Ganon, sometimes a big spider just lives here, Zelda dungeons just attract boss monsters automatically anytime Ganon fails to provide one.

So instead of the four vaults being opened up by maidens who are already on the good guys’ side, they can be camped on by giant grimm, because the artifacts draw them in somehow. Since the artifacts are grimm magnets, you can’t really put their vaults in the middle of heavily guarded capitals, so instead they’re a bunch of remote fortresses in the middle of nowhere, and in the gap between Oz’s reincarnations, sometimes they get overrun. And then at the end of the Beacon arc, Oz dies, so now Team RWBY has only a vague idea of where the artifacts even are. So in the first arc, Team RWBY meets Oz in anime Hogwarts, gets the down-low on the artifacts, and has to retrieve one of them to protect it from Salem, with Oz pointing them directly towards the objective to save time that we can use to set up why we have to do this in the first place. In the other three arcs, Team RWBY knows vaguely where the vault is, but in order to find it, they will have to go and talk to the townsfolk and get involved in local sub-plots. The climax of each arc is a big fight with the grimm guarding the artifact in the vault, leaning into the series’ strengths (back when it had strengths).

The nature of Zelda MacGuffins is also probably a better guide to what the artifacts do than whatever RWBY was trying to do with them. In Zelda, while individual artifacts have a cool theme or power, mostly what they do is come together to unlock the final dungeon so you can go punch Ganon in the face. This doesn’t put an end to the cycle of reincarnation forever, but Hyrule is saved for a hundred years, and honestly I kind of appreciate the Zelda games for not acting like evil must be totally eradicated before it counts as a happy ending, it’s fine if it’s just defeated for a lifetime and when it returns heroes will need to rise against it once more. That’s certainly much better than the RWBY thing where Oz has to prevent Salem from gathering the artifacts until he finds a way to immanetize the eschaton, which is presumably going to be accomplished by Ruby Rose giving one of her dorky speeches or something? Like, she makes an impassioned plea on the internet for everyone to stop being evil and it just kind of works. Given that the internet being taken down when one of the towers is destroyed is a plot point, that’s probably the intended ending.

But instead it could just be that gathering the four artifacts will defeat Salem right now. Like, each artifact could power up one of the RWBY girls in some way, and then all four of them together can fight Salem. Sure, “get MacGuffins to beat the bad guy” is not a super deep plot, but having a politically charged plot was a terrible idea for RWBY. Every single political talking point they incorporated into the show aged like milk. The White Fang plot and trying to make Oz a morally grey character was biting off way more than they could chew, and the requirements for defeating Salem – literal world peace – were even harder to write. It’s a mercy the show got cancelled before they had to try and make that work. They would’ve been way better off just telling a straightforward good vs. evil story, one that was basically just an IP scrubbed Zelda game that leaned into cool boss fights.

No, The Republic Did Not Commit Tons Of War Crimes In The Clone Wars

There’s a popular meme that during the Clone Wars, especially as depicted by the Clone Wars TV show, the Republic committed tons of war crimes. People joke about how the Republic used the Geneva Conventions as a checklist and will unironically point to these alleged war crimes to claim that the Separatists were justified.

They’re wrong. Red Five makes lists of ten Star Wars things and tried to get in on the meme – and he wasn’t even able to find ten actual examples of Republic war crimes. Let’s run through them real quick to see how many of them actually qualify:

  1. False Surrender. Obi-Wan famously fakes surrender negotiations on Christophsis to buy time for Ahsoka and Anakin to destroy the Separatist shield generator and swing the battle in favor of the clones. Anakin sort of does this later at Ryloth, although it’s not clear if the fake surrender was a necessary part of the ploy or if he just wanted to set up his “you can still have my ship” quip, and then more unambiguously on Yerbana, where he fakes a surrender to lure the enemy commander out for an assassination prior to an assault. So we’re starting strong here with an actual war crime committed not just by Anakin Skywalker specifically, but by by-the-book Obi-Wan Kenobi, who we can assume is acting with the Republic’s blessing.
  2. Torture. By “torture” what Red Five mostly means is “threats of execution,” which is still (usually) a war crime, but also it’s done almost exclusively by Anakin and Ahsoka, and especially in Anakin’s case it’s often a point made that he’s doing it where other Jedi and the Republic in general can’t see. The old Republic never had a chance to try Anakin for war crimes because they were dissolved before they found out about them, and the New Republic is probably perfectly happy to slap some war crime charges on top of the long list of crimes Darth Vader committed. There is still the scene with Cad Bane where Obi-Wan and Mace Windu join in. Technical nitpick, Cad Bane is asked to identify himself as an enemy combatant and does not do so. Torturing a non-combatant is a crime against humanity, not a war crime. But in general this is an actual bad thing done by the Republic, not by Anakin Skywalker acting alone.
  3. Illegal Weaponry. If you thought those first two were undermining my point, then don’t worry, we’ve reached the stupid part. No, using flamethrowers is not a war crime. You are responsible for the fires you start on purpose which means using a flamethrower can lead to war crimes if the fires spread into civilian areas, but that doesn’t happen during the second battle of Geonosis. This is not a war crime. And the reason Ki Adi Mundi is excited when he tells the clones to bring up the flamethrowers is because the flamethrowers are (correctly) expected to be the final blow – he’s excited because the battle is nearly over.
  4. Killing Fleeing Combatants. What?! Of course killing fleeing combatants isn’t a war crime. Why would you think this is a war crime? You are not required to wait until your enemy feels confident about the superiority of their position before you’re allowed to fight them.
  5. Killing Unarmed Enemies. Also not a war crime. Assassinating enemy officers who don’t currently have their weapons on them is not the same as killing soldiers who are attempting to surrender, Mace Windu wouldn’t be a war crime anyway because Chancellor Palpatine is part of Mace Windu’s own nation, and no, Mace Windu is not legally required to fall for Palpatine’s fake surrender. Assassinating the Chancellor is undoubtedly a regular crime, but, y’know, so what? The galaxy would unambiguously have been much, much better off if Mace Windu had succeeded here, so this is neither technically a war crime nor is it in the general spirit of the “Jedi commit tons of war crimes” accusation.

    Also in this section is killing a medic – that’s only a war crime if they’re actively engaged in medical duties and are clearly marked as such. General Grievous’ medical droid A4-D has no such markings and wasn’t providing medical assistance to Grievous, but was shouting warnings, monitoring cameras, and operating door controls. No, you cannot paint red crosses on all your frontline infantry and thus make it impossible to fight any component of your army without committing war crimes, the Geneva Conventions aren’t that stupid, medics are only protected when they are actively being medics.
  6. Use Of Child Soldiers. Ahsoka Tano is indeed just under fifteen when she is deployed to the front lines of Christophsis as a combatant. She’s just barely been assigned a mentor, so we can assume that most padawans in the war zone are older than her, but some significant chunk of Jedi padawans actually are child soldiers. The clones do technically count, but that’s because the Geneva Conventions were written under the assumption that none of the signatories have access to alien species or genetic hypertech. The Red Five video is pretty upfront about that, though.
  7. Use Of A Slave Army. There are no specific war crimes regarding slave armies, but slavery is a crime against humanity. It’s also against Republic law. Palpatine orchestrated a situation in which the Republic would be forced to choose between accepting slavery or being eradicated, and while there’s not anything written into international law that specifically carves out exceptions for Sith conspiracies, there is obviously an enormous gap between “the Republic was blase about slavery” and “the Republic could be pressured into accepting slavery temporarily if a Sith conspiracy had arranged a sufficiently dire alternative.”
  8. Violating Neutrality. No, it is not a war crime to invade Darth Maul’s coup de’tat regime because the Republic had signed a treaty with Mandalore’s previous government. Death Watch made assassination attempts against Duchess Satine Kryze while she was on Coruscant. The Republic has casus belli even if we accept that the treaties with the old government apply to Maul’s new regime. Just because Darth Maul is not a part of the Confederacy of Independent Systems doesn’t mean that the Republic isn’t allowed to declare war on him. It is not a war crime to be at war with two different countries.
  9. Training Terrorists. By “terrorists” what Red Five actually means is “guerillas,” and no, it is not a war crime to train guerillas. The Onderon Resistance never attacks civilians, uses threats of violence to influence domestic policy, or otherwise uses terror to accomplish their goals.
  10. Ordering Friendly Fire. Pon Krell was a Separatist. He was an infiltrator who ordered friendly fire because he sold out the Republic to the Separatists. The Jedi are not responsible for war crimes because one of their members betrayed them. That’s not how legal culpability works.

So when attempting to come up with a list of ten war crimes, what Red Five actually manages is two actual war crimes, two crimes against humanity (close enough), one of which was under very contrived circumstances, five things that are not war crimes, and one war crime committed by a Separatist defector.

I think this meme got going because almost all the war crimes/crimes against humanity that the Republic actually does commit, it commits in the movie that started the series. False surrender, child soldiers, slave army, there’s no torture but Ahsoka does pull a lightsaber on a civilian under pretty minimal provocation. So that first movie is genuinely a war crime-a-palooza. And then there’s almost nothing for the entire rest of the series, but the meme is entrenched and so people go fishing for anything that has sort of a war crime vibe to it and don’t bother doing the thirty seconds of Googling required to check. Like, the Geneva Conventions are online, you can CTRL+F for “incendiary” and read the relevant laws yourself.

How Much Star Wars Is There?

If you wanted to consume all Star Wars content, could you do that? How much of your life would be dedicated to this project?

You may be surprised to learn that the answer is “yes” and “less than a decade.” I’m assuming that this is a primary hobby but not a job, so you can dump about an hour a day on workdays and two and a half on the weekends for 10 hours a week and 500 hours a year. You can get way higher than this if your life exists to facilitate consumption of Star Wars content, even if you have to work a normal day job to feed that, and even so, while this will be a massive part of your life for several years, it’s surprisingly doable.

I am making a few assumptions about what counts as “all Star Wars content,” however. First, I’m assuming you have streaming access to all content already, so the question of “how do you watch every episode of Ewoks” is presumed to be “in sequential order” without bothering with how easy it is to actually get access to a show from the 80s that got ignored by canon even before Disney took over. Second, I’m assuming you don’t really care about special editions, HD rereleases, ports and adaptations, and so on. Once you’ve watched A New Hope, you’re good, you don’t need to read the novelization and play Super Star Wars, too. You’re in it for the complete story of Star Wars, but you don’t feel the need to watch the theatrical cut, special edition, and HD remaster of the Original Trilogy, any more than you feel the need to acquire every DVD copy of Return of the Jedi and watch the contents of each disc separately just in case there are minute differences.

I also assume you don’t care about action figures or other collectibles where acquiring them is the experience. At that point, it’s not a matter of scheduling, it’s a matter of your means.

Movies

Dead simple. Fifteen movies (three trilogies, Clone Wars, Rogue One, Solo, two Ewok movies from the 80s, and the Holiday Special, although even someone who is asking for all of the Star Wars might draw the line at that last one), so that’s going to be fifteen weekend viewings, or a little under two months’ worth without touching the weekdays or doing a single weekend marathon for something like an entire trilogy.

TV Shows

This isn’t just doable for someone who sets out to consume all Star Wars content as a significant life goal. This is a thing anyone who really likes Star Wars will get 80% of the way towards on accident. Almost every Star Wars TV show and movie is something you’ve actually heard of and you might have already seen over half of them. You know about Clone Wars, Rebels, Resistance, the Bad Batch, the Mandalorian, Andor, etc. etc., and depending on when you grew up, odds are decent you’ve already seen large chunks of at least one or two of those series’. The only Star Wars shows that you might not have heard of are Droids, Ewoks, Visions, and Tales, and maybe some of the live action ones have slipped past you like The Acolyte, since Disney really is starting to machine gun them out so fast that you might need an actual list in front of you to keep track of them all.

And since these shows gravitate towards being either 22 minute episodes for a half-hour TV bloc (with commercials) or 44 minutes for an hour long bloc (with commercials), that means you can watch one or two per weekday with space left over for other small content like comics. There’s a total of 260-ish weekdays per year and less than 520 episodes of Star Wars content across all series’ (even counting shorts), so after two years you will run out even without ever touching your weekends, let alone doing a six-hour weekend marathon for something like Andor or the first season of the Mandalorian.

Comics

There are over a thousand Star Wars comics, but believe it or not, provided you don’t have to worry about collecting physical issues, this is one of the easiest mediums to get caught up on for Star Wars. A single comic only takes about 15-20 minutes to read, which means the entire 1200-ish comics in all of Star Wars, Legends and Canon, can fit into a single year. Realistically, you probably want to read one issue a day over the course of about 5 years, combining it with 40-45 minutes of other content on weekdays and slipping some into the margins on weekends when the movie (or whatever) only takes up 130 of the 150 minutes you have.

Books

There are something like 400 Star Wars books across both Legends and Canon. A few dozen of these are novelizations of movies or TV shows, but most of the books released under the brand of a TV show are original stories with the same characters, era, and tone as the TV show. A lot of them are young adult or middle grade novels that can be read in a single weekend (the average adult reads about 30,000 words in two and a half hours, for 60,000 words across two days of the weekend), but the X-Wing novels tend to be two weekends’ worth of reading individually and there’s ten of them. If we try to leave these to the weekends, then even granting that half of them will take only one weekend, that’s still 600 weekends or over ten years’ worth.

But we do have spare time on the weekdays in years 3-5 when TV shows give out but the comic a day is still only taking up 20 minutes of the hour of time set aside, and novels are going to be read in multiple sessions anyway, so we can treat them as a bit more of a liquid to be poured into glasses than we do the comics, movies, or TV shows where we want each film/episode to be finished in a single day.

Doing some quick calculations on 400-ish books each taking an average of 4-ish hours (averaging between young adult and adult novels), there’s 1600 hours of content here, and 40 minutes of spare time in each weekday in which we are reading a comic issue but have no more Star Wars TV to watch. That comes out to 10 hours of reading time for every 3 weeks, across the three remaining years we’re reading comics for, that is 520 hours, plus 780 hours from the weekends of those years and we have 1300 hours, but we also have the weekends from after we ran out of movies but before we ran out of TV shows, which give us another 480 hours for 1780 hours total.

This means that if you start reading books on the weekends once you run out of movies, and then start reading books on the weekdays in addition to your one issue of a comic book once you run out of TV shows, you will run out all existing Star Wars books about five months before you’ve run out of comic books. The only reason the comics have lasted so long is because we’re so lackadaisical about them – one issue per weekday, usually only twenty minutes, as opposed to books, which are 40 minutes a weekday plus 150 minutes each on Saturday and Sunday. But we will finally run out of them once we get into our last category.

Video Games

There’s about 50 video games, with wildly varying play times. Some of these fit within 10 hours (Republic Commando) and others represent hundreds of hours by themselves (the Old Republic). Discounting the MMORPGs, 20 hours is a fairly reasonable average, which means the 180 hours of time left over from the books isn’t even getting us a fifth of the way through, but it will take less than 2 years to get through the remaining 80%+.

You’d probably want to intermix novels and video games on the weekends rather than doing several years of intermixed comics, novels, and TV shows followed by several years of pure comics and novels followed by a few months of video games and comics followed by a year and a half of pure video games, but in terms of “how long does this take” the answer is 7 years. Rounding up to a decade should comfortably account for any slop in the calculations.

Achilles and the Franchise

What about the additional content released during that decade, though? Will you ever catch up?

Well, they release about one Star Wars movie, 2-3 seasons of Star Wars TV, and less than one Star Wars video game per year (seriously, Jedi Survivor was the only 2023 game, Squadrons was 2020, Fallen Order was 2019, the release pace is glacial). All those put together represent less than a month’s worth of content. Estimating comics and novels is slightly harder because there’s more of them, but it seems like there’s a few dozen comics per year which accounts for 1-2 weeks’ worth of content and roughly 5-10 novels per year, which represents about 2 months’ worth of content. Totaled up, Star Wars content comes out about 25% as fast as it can be consumed, which means at the end of the seven year project there will be an additional 1.75 years of content, and at the end of that there will be another four-ish months’ of content, and at the end of that another month-ish of content, and then a week, and then two weekdays’, and then a single twenty minute comic issue, and then we round down to zero, and you total that all up and you will need about two years on top of the initial seven years to consume all the content that came out during those seven years.

If we take the ten year estimate, it takes about three and a half years before you catch up on what came out during that decade, so the total time to catch up is about thirteen and a half years.

There is a lot of Star Wars, but it is surprisingly doable to become “the Star Wars guy” who knows all of the Star Wars. It requires sustained effort over a very long period of time, but not at an intensity that would be impractical to sustain for such a long time.