My Preferred Mario Meta-Plot

Let’s have some more random nonsense. This random nonsense is building on some other random nonsense I wrote. Specifically, back when I talked about it’s only relatively recently that designing a decent Mario timeline became futile, I mentioned that some interpretations of Mario make some non-standard assumptions about the context or plot of the games and are immune to the usual issues. The most famous of these is the “everything after SMB1 is a play” theory, based on the play aesthetics of SMB3, wherein any problems brought about by incessant stagnation can be wiped away by attributing them to an in-world theater company, although this doesn’t really fix the problems so much as just move them to a new layer of the fiction.

During that post, I mentioned that I have a personal Mario meta-plot that is also immune to the issues with stagnation. In fact, not just immune, this plot actually benefits from them to reinforce its themes. I’ll explain below the break.

My personal interpretation of Mario is that the characters of Mario Kart/Party are an elite caste of excruciatingly powerful ubermensch who have taken over the world, made peace with one another, and gotten bored. Since everyone in the upper caste is effectively immortal because they’re all human-blooded, and human blood is incredibly magical thanks to the blessings of Rosalina, they’ve all decided that wars are pointless and instead hold simulated mock battles, dramas, etc. etc. But the residents of the Mushroom Kingdom don’t know this. They’re still generally convinced that Mario and Peach play go-karts with Bowser as a gesture of goodwill to forestall war, or some other such propaganda, but the actual truth is that this weekend they thought it would be more fun to play go-karts than to play war. And the upper classes maintain this, because if they didn’t, the lower classes would be totally unwilling to march to their deaths, so the facade that the different sides actually represent different things has to be maintained.

Bowser doesn’t always schedule his kidnappings or anything. Sometimes he just shows up, kicks down the door, and grabs Peach. Sometimes he waits until Mario is off doing something else, but sometimes Mario just sits there and watches because it is more fun to rescue Peach than to prevent the kidnapping. And the reason Peach is always targeted is because despite her pouting she totally gets off on being kidnapped but Daisy isn’t really into it (though she, like practically everyone in the cast, has dabbled in it at some point or another, just like it occasionally strikes her fancy to play the role of the hero).

Romantically speaking, Luigi and Daisy are easily the most stable couple, but Bowser and Peach are also pretty solid. They’re also really kinky so they like to pretend that it’s a non-consensual thing, but among the upper class it’s an open secret that they’re totally into each other. Mario is with Peach a lot because Peach enjoys being kidnapped from her “legitimate” lover and Bowser likes abducting her, and occasionally Daisy just gets bored and throws Mario a bone, but for the most part he’s a bachelor and a rake. He also kind of plays the role of Zeus, in that the reason the Mario Kart/Party cast keeps expanding is because Mario keeps having kids with the locals when he wants a lay and neither Peach nor Daisy is currently available/in the mood.

The aristocrats!

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